Feeling Pregnant

It's amazing to me how much this "paper pregnancy" has been so much like my previous pregnancies. At the beginning I lost a few pounds and now I've put that back on (plus some?) as if I were actually pregnant. We're about 15 weeks in and I'm ready for the calm of the second trimester!

I have a huge bundle of papers that I carry around and joke that it's my baby weight. It's so heavy and big now that it no longer fits neatly under my arm. I have to carry it with two hands out front, like a huge belly. I am terrified to leave it anywhere, like even in the car when I am running errands. Many of these documents are original documents that would be difficult to replace quickly. Or they've been notarized and partially or fully authenticated...Of course this bundle of papers has been growing since September and it is now ready to split out of the accordian folder that tries to contain it. One day I'll take a picture of it for you all. It truly is like my pregnancy belly. Of course I am the mama who had ten and nine pound babies!

I have anxiety and sleepless nights about whether we'll meet deadlines that have to be met. We have a certain amount of time to get our dossier to China...and no one seems to sense the urgency but me! It's a lot like the anxiety you might have when you're pregnant and wonder in the back of your mind about that glass of wine you drank before you even knew you were pregnant. Or you haven't felt the baby move in two hours- ohmygosh is everything okay? Maybe not the best comparison, but the emotions are the same. In spite of the anxiety, there's not much you can do but wait, hope and pray that everything is okay.

The thing is that I am normally a very even person- not a lot ruffles me. I'm good at keeping it together and not letting these feeling get out of control. But adoption is an exercise in patience, that's for sure. Having this experience is actually good for me; I'm not the most patient person in the world. The universe has handed me a teachable moment.

All the time I'm thinking of our new little one wondering what his personality will be like, what he might do when he "grows up", what his quirks might be. I'm so excited that we already know who he is! Of course we have hopes and dreams for all of our children and this child is the same. So many of the emotions I'm feeling are exactly the same as I had when I was pregnant with my older boys. The difference is that our new son is growing in my heart.

So, yes, I'm feeling pregnant... Fatigue- check. Weight loss/gain- check. Sleepless nights- check. Feeling emotional- check. Already in love with my new "baby"- check. Can't wait til it's over and I can meet my new "baby"- check!