Heartbreak and waiting on TA

I don't even know where to start to catch you up on what's been going on since I last posted here.  On one hand, life goes on and things have been routine, even boring.  Kids have gone to school, soccer, dental appointments, play dates and birthday parties.  We've had two birthday parties for our boys which were totally different but just right for each of them- one was small, mellow, quiet and the other was big, rowdy and loud.  We've also been preparing for our trip to China.  I've been picking up small things that I know we'll need for the trip for a month or two now.    For folks who are keeping track, we had article 5 pick up on November 26 so TA should come literally any day!  Tomorrow, maybe?  We are so, so anxious after all the hang-ups we've had with timing to get the show on the road, get to China and meet our son!!! Hold on sweetie, we're coming as fast as we can!  

Since we're taking the boys to China with us, they each now have their own electronics.  Our oldest will be fine, he could probably put his nose in a book when we leave the house and not look up until we land in China.  Our other son bounces off the walls at times so that should be really interesting on a 12-16 hour flight! (depending on layovers)  I never thought I'd be the mom who willing buys electronic gadgets for her kids- anyone who know me knows I don't like that stuff!  But it will be worth it a hundred times over if it helps the kids be better traveling companions.  And, of course, they are "learning" toys so I can delude, I mean convince, myself that they are not totally rotting their brains by staring at the little screens for hours.  I am *so* not looking forward the the electronic detox when we come home.  It's gonna be bad. LOL.  

The biggest news, what I actually sat down to write about, is really hard to talk about.  As I start to type it, I have tears in my eyes and still can't believe it's true.  But it is, horribly true.  It will make our trip so bittersweet.  Just four days after getting our LOAs for both kids, we got a late night call from our agency's China coordinator.  I think the first question out of my mouth was, "Are our kids okay?"  It wasn't a referral call, so I knew it wasn't good.  That's when she told me that our daughter was "no longer available for international adoption."  Apparently there was a lot of back and forth as our agency coordinator had spoken with the SWI director earlier that day and was repeatedly told what they thought she wanted to hear.  It's a really rare situation for a family to get LOA and then not be able to bring their child home and this had happened to another family about a year before because China believed that the child was too sick to travel.  I believe in that situation that the story was only partially true and for some other reason, the child was "not available."   

It turns out that our daughter was probably adopted domestically.  This is good for her, I suppose, since she will get to stay in China and I don't think she ever knew about us.  As horrible as it is to write or to say, I hope she didn't.  

She is loved and will be loved.  But let me tell you folks, it really, really sucks for us.  We have all cried for hours over this loss, including our children.  Our oldest, her biggest advocate, took it particularly hard.  He sobbed, body wracking sobs, for hours upon hours after we told him.  He said, "I'll never have a chance to love her."  All I could say through my tears was, "You already do.  That's why it hurts so much."  He is the sweet boy who from the moment he saw her picture said to me, "Mama, you have to persuade Papa to bring her home."   My sweet, sensitive boy.    

We spent seven months planning for her, making room in our hearts and life and home.  The kids have lots of family pictures drawn with two new siblings.  It's been one of the most heartwrenching experiences of my life.  At every turn, there is a reminder of her.  The little trampoline I look at every time I go downstairs to do the laundry.  I bought it because in her file her two favorite activities were stated as "the trampoline" and "going outside".  Last week while rearranging the bathroom closet, I found a little cup with her name on it.  I didn't have the heart to do anything with it, so I pushed it back to a dark corner of the closet where another day, it might not be so painful to get rid of or put away.  We still have her pictures up on the fridge because I can't even bear to take them down.  I did pack up all the clothing, hair bows and girly stuff I bought for her and that was pretty awful.  I won't give up hope that some day I'll have a daughter, so I am not ready to get rid of it yet.  It's waiting in the attic, just in case.  We have had losses before but even my husband had never experienced one like this before.  "She was so real to me," he said.   

I should say that of the friends and family we've shared this with, people have been mostly very supportive and for that I am thankful. I've had a lot of nice emails and people reaching out to let me know how sorry they are.  Our agency has been as supportive as they can be.  If you're unsure of what to say in a situation like this, a simple "I'm sorry" will suffice- better not to ignore the elephant in the room.  

And, yet, like I said when I started this post, life goes on.  "The living must go on living" is a phrase that certainly comes to mind, even though it's awkwardly untrue in this situation.  It feels for all the world like a death.  We will surely mourn our daughter's loss for a very long time to come.  She will always be in our hearts and she will probably never know how many people love her a world away.  Be well, sweet Lucy, live well.